Clean Slates

Being in the closet SUCKS.

It especially sucks when you feel like your heart is in pieces and you cannot even show the slightest sign that you are hurting. Do you know how exhausting it is pretending to be completely happy when you are anything but?

Ive been thinking about the ex a lot today. Remembering good times. Wishing I could see him.....I nearly texted him today, but stopped myself. Its pathetic, I know.

I really hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. Im going to go hide under the covers now.

So a while back, I mentioned that I was seeing someone. A really great guy. Smart, kind, attractive.....He became my first boyfriend. I genuinely loved spending time with him....

Today he broke up with me.

My mind is literally all over the place right now.

I honestly believe I was falling in love with him and he broke up with me.


He said that he believed that I needed someone who could be more involved in the relationship. And that person was not him. He really wants to be friends though, because he loves our conversations and really looks forward to them. He really does not want to cut all ties with me.

Maybe its just me that can't think straight, but how in the hell do I go to just being friends? I told him I needed a little time....I can't even wrap my head around it......

So yesterday, I came across the "It Gets Better" movement. And it has given me so very much to think about and consider.

For those of you who did not know about this, the "It Gets Better" project was established by Dan Savage, an advice columist, in response to the staggering amount of gay teen suicides in recent months.  People like Tyler Clementi, a college student in New York, who threw himself off a bridge after an intimate encounter between himself and another man was made public online by his roommate. People like Billy Lucas, a 15 year old kid who hung himself because he was tormented for something he had NO CHOICE over.

My heart is literally breaking right now. So many kids are out there, right now, being made to feel inferior...worthless...abnormal. All because they are being themselves. And they are killing themselves because they see no other way out.  And the truly sick thing is that no one is willing to HELP THEM. In one of the cases I read about, a family went to school administration to try and stop the bullying and persecution that their son was experiencing. The response? "If he chooses to dress that way, walk that way, and act that way. Then he deserves what is coming to him."

Its one thing when hateful, closed minded biggots attack adults. But these are KIDS. KIDS!  And the people who are supposed to PROTECT them are LETTING THIS HAPPEN!!!!


I was one of those kids. I spent many years getting picked on. Being called names. Tormented on a regular basis all because I was perceived by my classmates to be gay. I didnt even know I was into guys back then. So I denied it. Even trying to act on the attractions I had to girls was not enough. I was looked upon as gay and that was it. I was stuck with that definition the entire time. Being the butt of jokes and the target of hate was a regular occurance in my life. At one point, it got worse. Very much worse. I was 16, working at a grocery store as a stock clerk, and one of the guys that I worked with shoved me against a shelf. Holding me there, he took a two liter bottle of pop and began pressing it into my butt, because he heard :"I liked it that way". Never once was I asked if I was gay/straight by this guy. The rumors were enough.

That night, I went home and I did consider killing myself.  I mean, how is a kid supposed to keep going when he is afraid of being physically attacked for something he has no control over. I didn't commit suicide, obviously, but  from that point, I pretty much shut down.  I was more concerned with keeping myself safe then whether I was popular socially, or any of that other crap that comes with high school.

The message the program delivers is correct. It does get better. After high school, I met some really awesome people online. People who I feel I can be close with, and who I am comfortable coming out to and people I feel comfortable sharing this story with. Hell, Im actually dating now.  Im dating a wonderful guy who makes me feel happier then I have in a very long time.

But even now, there is a part of me who is afraid to come out completely, because that fear that has been planted in my mind from way back then still exists. That same fear is still being planted in the heads of children today. People are allowing kids to grow up hating themselves. They are allowing kids to feel abnormal, inferior, and worthless and it has to stop.

If you have gotten this far, and know anyone who is in this situation, or if you just want to get the awareness out there, I strongly encourage you to check out the "It Gets Better" Project. Hundreds of people from around the world have posted videos to Youtube in response to this, to show the kids today that life does get better, that the hate does not last forever and that there are others out there who have been there and are there for them.

OK. Have to go to class. Getting off the PSA soapbox now....

So Im excited, and still wrapping my head around this.....but I think I have a date on Friday night.

At least, I think its a date.....Man, I am so new at this....

Creepy Preacher guy on campus - "I had the balls to speak up in 1985! Where the hell were you?"
Group of frat guys. - "NOT BORN YET!"

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/video/2010/aug/29/doctor-who-cliffhanger-video

Steven Moffatt has announced that the next series of Doctor Who will be split up when it returns for Series 6.

The show will return around Easter for SEVEN episodes.  (Apparently, this will allow for a big "Game changing" cliffhanger.)

After a summer break, the show will return in the fall for an additional SIX episodes.  (13 in total.)

Not sure how I feel about this. COuld be a good thing, as it will mean less time between new episodes.

Ok, so I noticed that it has been a REALLY long time since I last posted to this journal.  Can't believe I let things get away from me like that.

Where to begin with the catching up....

Well, I am out to two people here in KY. Both friends that I work with. The whole "coming out" thing went very well with the two of them and they continue to treat me as if nothing has changed. (Which, really, it hasn't. They are just more aware of things now then they were before.). Still haven't come out to my family, and I'm really not sure that I want to. Too many uncertainties there.

For those who don't follow me on Facebook, I did go on a short vacation recently. I had two weeks off of work, and during that time, I flew to Washington DC for a couple of days. Let me say that I absolutely LOVED DC. Drivers are crazy and some places are really expensive, but overall, I loved every minute of it.  Spent  two full days sightseeing and I managed to see a lot of the things I wanted to see.  Defintely could have used an extra day to get in everything that I missed (there is a LOT to see up there.) Also had a pretty damn good bowl of chili too. *grin*

Loved Series 5 of Doctor Who. Although David Tennant remains my favorite Doctor, Matt Smith has defintely made the role his own. In case there are those who have yet to see it, I'll refer to spoilers behind a cut.
( As River Song says...SPOILERS! )( Sarah Jane spoilers )( and Torchwood for good measure )School is back in session. Books still far too expensive and parking is ridiculous. If all goes according to plan though, This will be my last year at NKU. As it stands now, I am set to graduate in May of 2011. And I get the impression, if this week is any indication, that will be a long, busy, hard-working road. It will be worth it when it is done though.

OK, have to get to class. I will do my best to keep up with this journal more and not let so much time pass between posts.

Howdy all.

First off, major thanks once again for all the love and support shown in reply to my last message. It was a scary thing to come out and admit that I am bisexual to you all, but I hope that no one took my fear personally. Coming out....it's a life changing thing.  Once the fact is out there, it cannot be taken back. That is why it was so scary for me. Not everyone may know this, but trusting other people, and letting them in... that has always been a hard thing for me to do.  So, needless to say, this made things that much scarier. And that makes me that much more grateful to you guys for being the loving and supportive friends you always have been. 

I still haven't spoken to people here in KY about this. That step is a much scarier one then coming out to you guys. I mean, it's one thing to type out the words, it's entirely different when you have to say them to someone's face. Mainly because you get their reactions immediately. Like I said earlier. This revelation is a life-changer. It is going to change the way people look at me.  In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter to anyone who I chose to pursue romantically. Sadly, we are in a far from perfect world and I know, in the minds of some individuals, I will be looked down upon because of my attraction to both men and women.  Some will be disgusted. Some would even want to hurt me physically. On the flip side, there are going to be people who could care less who I choose to sleep with. and there will be those who embrace my revelation with open arms.  And there is a good chance that my family could be the former, and not the latter of the possibilites.

Like I said, scary.

At least I can be open about things here with you guys. (and no, tptigger , I will not be joining in the Tommy crushage *grin*. He was cute and all, back in the day, but I'm just not that into him. PR definitely has had it's share of good looking men, though.)

Hey guys.

So there is something that I want..no, something I need to say.  This is something that I have been struggling with for a very long time. I'm sure there are some people who may have suspected this, but for others, this may come as a total surprise. I've kept this quiet for various reasons. A part of me kept saying that this is no one else's business but mine, while another part was deathly afraid of what would come about as a result of coming clean about this.  To be honest,  I kind of still am.  But, I need to be honest about myself.  And part of that means being honest with you, my friends.

I'm bisexual.  I am into girls, but I am also interested in guys.

To be honest, I think I have been bisexual for many years. I really didn't want to admit to myself for a long time. But there comes a point in life where you have to stop running from the truth. So I've been working on finding my own self-acceptance for a while now, and I'm ready to start admitting it to others. This is who I am.

I hope this won't change anything. I'm still the same guy that I always was, but now you know more about me then before. If this does change things, I understand.

I do have one request though. The one thing I am absolutely NOT ready to do is come out to my family. So I will ask that those of you who know me on Facebook to not mention anything about this on there. (My family are on my Facebook friends list.). It may seem odd for me to be coming out to you guys and not my family, but that is a huge step that I am not ready to take yet.. So please do not mention this on Facebook.

If you guys have questions, or want to talk about this. Feel free. Nothing but honesty here from now on.

Hey folks,

So for those not in the know, I won't be heading to Power Morphicon this year. For just one person, it really seems like too much money for me to be spending right now. Will definitely consider it if they do another convention in the future. (And those of you who are going better take lots of pictures and share every detail, OK? Please??) I am looking into other vacation options, such as a weekend trip to DC or other parts of the country. Maybe even a trip to the KY state fair.  Lots of potential possibilities.

Let's see, what else is going on.....Absolutely dislike the "Reversioned": MMPR.  Those of you who have been in the PR fandom should know what I am talking about.  The thing is filled with mind-numbing, pointless, and non-sensical changes that it makes the show look entirely like a silly cartoon. (And lets face it, MMPR was not high quality TV to begin with.) . Yet I find myself still watching it every Saturday. Does that make me a masochist?  I will always hava a love for MMPR, just not THIS MMPR.  And what is worse is that, if they do put MMPR out on DVD in the USA now, it will likely be this hot mess instead of the original episodes. *gag*

Looking forward to the return of Doctor Who in a couple of months. Despite my love for David Tennant, I am excited to see what Matt Smith will bring to the role. I have been hearing good things online thus far, so I hope Moffat and crew don't let me down.  (Speaking of Doctor Who..Does anyone who got the DVD's know if the versions of "The Next Doctor" and "Planet of the Dead" that are in the Complete Specials box set are the same as the individual DVD releases? I already own the individual releases for both and I don't want to get the box set if it is the same identical DVDs.  Is there anything on the box set that is not included on the individual release DVDs??)

Something I am NOT looking forward to is US Torchwood. For those not in the know, RTD is working on a US version of Torchwood.  How this will affect the UK series, I have no clue.  I am still very weary about this for two reasons. 1.) I am still bitter about all the death of beloved characters in Torchwood of late.  and 2.) A US version of Torchwood would not be able to get away with a lot of the things that go down in the UK series, which is already a big strike against it. Oh, and RTD is an ass. But that is beside the point.

More later. Need to go to class.